What If You (1/1) - Battlestar Galactica Songfic

[carpenyx]

Title: What If You (1/1)
Lyrics: "What If You" by Joshua Radin [link to mp3]
Author: carpenyx
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Kara/Anders
Genre: Angst
Summary: But for tonight I’ll stay here with you...
Spoilers: None; set during season 3.
Beta: nebakanezer
Word Count: 1,060
Disclaimer: I do not own, just playing on the Galactica with my pilots. No copyright infridgement intended.
A/N: You can download the mp3 of the song, :) link is located above.

What If You
Lyrics by Joshua Radin

~*~
What if you could wish me away
And what if you spoke those words today
I wonder if you’d miss me, when I’m gone
It’s come to this, release me
I’ll leave before the dawn
~*~

Kara's arm was tucked under her head, the other draped across her stomach as she stared at the ceiling above her bunk. She couldn't recall the last time she had slept through the night.

“Sam, you awake?” Kara’s voice echoed through the stillness of the sleeping quarters.

He didn’t wake.

Kara rolled onto her side to face him. He looked so peaceful and at ease, not a single care in the universe. She combed her fingers through his hair and wondered what it would feel like to be able to wish it all away for a couple of hours.

She let her fingers fall from his face and her eyes caught sight of their promise to each other etched into his arm. She outlined the black ink with her finger tip lightly. A sigh escaped her.

Kara’s fingers lingered, her eyes welling up, and her cheeks starting to flush a pale red.

~*~
But for tonight I’ll stay here with you
Yes for tonight I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
~*~

There were moments when she wanted nothing more than to claw out his eyes, rip his heart from his chest, and tear him down… to nothing.

And than there were the moments when she wanted to take him into her arms, hold onto him, and tell him she loved him – more than he’d ever really know.

It didn’t matter.

“Let me go, Sam,” she whispered into his ear as he slept.

***

~*~
And what if you could hear this song
And what if I felt like I belonged
I might not be leaving oh so soon
Began the night believing I loved you in the moonlight
~*~

He barely remembered the last time she’s slept through the night. This time the credit went to ambrosia – she had drunk until she had passed out.

Sam threaded his fingers through hers and pulled her hand to his chest as he watched her sleep. She looked so restless and distraught. He pushed a strand of her hair away from her face. There wasn’t a single thing he could do. He wondered what it must feel like to carry the weight of the universe on your shoulders.

“Kara?” he whispered as he pressed his lips to her forehead. She didn’t wake.

Sam paused and lingered. He inhaled slowly, holding his breath for as long as he could – branding the memory of her scent in his mind.

~*~
So for tonight I’ll stay here with you
Yes for tonight I’ll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
~*~

There were moments he wanted to take her into his arms, tell her how much he loved her, and wish it all away and take the burdens from her shoulders onto his own.

There were moments when he knew she wouldn’t ever let him, that he wasn’t what she needed, and that she’d never love him the way he loved her.

It didn’t matter.

“I love you, Kara…”

***

~*~
I could have treated you better
Better than that
Well I’m gone this song’s your letter
Can’t stay in one place
~*~

Kara pulled the blanket over his shoulder as he slept. With a pang in her heart, she wished she didn’t have to do this…

She leaned towards him and placed a soft kiss against his mouth – careful not to wake him. The taste of him lingered on her lips after she pulled away. She shut her eyes and etched him into her memory. She hoped he’d be okay… after she was gone.

“Sam…” she exhaled slowly.

She choked back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. It was only in these moments that she let her guard down… and she hated it. She didn’t want to feel defeated, didn’t want to feel like she failed… she wished she hadn’t failed him.

There had been moments she thought she could stay, make it work, and be content to just be his wife.

But she knew she couldn’t stay, that she was all wrong for him, and that he deserved someone who could love him completely – body and soul.

“I’ll miss you, Sam.”

***

~*~
So for tonight I’ll stay here with you
Yes for tonight I’ll lay here with you
~*~

He might’ve been blind to many things regarding Kara Thrace. Tonight he knew she wasn’t sleeping, but rather that she was avoiding him – but he chose not to mind.

Sam slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close into him. He wanted to shield her from the outside world, to take away all of her pain. It was pointless – she wouldn’t ever allow him to be her protector and savior. He buried his face in the mess of her blonde hair, wishing there was something…

“Kara?” His voice cut through the silence between them.

She didn’t answer.

Tears filled his eyes as he squeezed her tight.

He wished that he could fight her, to make her stay...

But he knew deep in his soul that he had to let her go…

“Goodbye, Kara…”

***

~*~
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do
~*~

She didn’t dare face him – she couldn’t bare to look into his eyes and see his pain.

Kara let herself melt into his arms – one last time. She felt comforted by his closeness, if only for the moment. She wanted nothing more than to allow him to take her away from this hell that was her life, to ease her pain – but she couldn’t. She closed her eyes as she fought back the tears.

She heard him say her name, she didn’t answer.

A tear trickled down her cheek and dampened her face as he hugged her close.

She wished that he would fight her and make her stay…

But then she knew in the end that he couldn't be who she needed him to be…

“Goodbye, Sam…”





~FIN~

Comments

[wintergreen126.livejournal.com]

lovely! nice job on illustrating and exploring the dichotomy of their thoughts, their actions. they're both kind of stuck in media res, but they both know better.

it's all just a little tragic, isn't it?

bittersweet and well-characterized. thanks muchly for sharing! have a great weekend :o)

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

it is a little tragic. :( i'm glad that you liked it, thank you! :)

[ladyaugustana.livejournal.com]

This is just...wonderful. I love how tragic and bittersweet it is. And it's based on a Joshua Radin song!

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

I loved the song! It was screaming Kara and Sam at me. :)

I'm glad you enjoyed. :)

[nytel.livejournal.com]

*sniffles* So sad! Loved it though. Wow. Very beautifully written. Elegant angst...if that makes sense.

Glad to see your muse is cooperating again. *hugs*

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

Elegant angst... I like that! ;) hehe makes sense. Thank you very much!

[starbuck042786.livejournal.com]

Ouch. It hurts so good though! Hooray for the muse!

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed. :) and yes, hooray for the muse. ;)

[ez-as-pi.livejournal.com]

A melancholy look into their heads, very nicely done...

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

thank you muchly... :)

[rebellious-love.livejournal.com]

There were moments he wanted to take her into his arms, tell her how much he loved her, and wish it all away and take the burdens from her shoulders onto his own.

There were moments when he knew she wouldn’t ever let him, that he wasn’t what she needed, and that she’d never love him the way he loved her.

It didn’t matter.

That sums them up in a lovely way. It always came off that Sam drawn to love her, even if he did know that she wouldn't quite feel the same way and that most likely it wouldn't end well.

Very sad and haunting. And very good.

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

I totally agree. Thank you muchly! :)

[sireesanwar.livejournal.com]

I love it. It really shows the bitter saddness of their relationship. The really care for one another but they just aren't meant to be. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it.

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you do. :) It was a little hard to write because I just love Sam so much and want him to be happy. I should write some happy!Sam fic. :)

[sireesanwar.livejournal.com]

Happy Sammy fic is always a plus.

I thought about trying to write something but I have no inspiration and so nothing comes out... so if you write a Sammy story.. I'll read it!

[latteaddict.livejournal.com]

oh my heart! The angst nearly killed me *whimpers*

This was really beautiful. You portrayed so much love and regret.

[carpenyx.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. :)